I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
