dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize