So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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