I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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