Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
