Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
