It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
