...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
