wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can't put those talents on a resume
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
