i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
