based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
