pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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