Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
