My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize