every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
