here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize