it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
