The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
