If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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