We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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