I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
