I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
