I want to have your abortion
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
