He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
