Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
