jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
