I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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