guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
