come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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