god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
