Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
