you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
