Will you blow on my dice?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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