Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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