Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
