Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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