Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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