I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
