allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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