**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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