Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
