i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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