how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
