wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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