i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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