I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
