No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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