I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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