hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
