Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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