and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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