i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize