i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize