I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
