im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
pray to the hookup gods
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
