I just cut my nipple shaving
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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