Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
