apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
