so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
